Coming into my third week of full-time Boston living, I must admit that I’ve learned a lot. Between coming to terms with the fact that the weather is a merciless, changeable bitch and telling myself it’s okay to layer 6 sweaters and look like Violet Beauregard, I feel as though I’m becoming a real Bostonian. And since so many of you have been kind enough to ask after my well being and what it’s like living up in a frozen tundra, I’m ready to share some of the things I’ve learned on public transportation.
- Leave the house earlier than necessary (maybe 40-50 minutes earlier). Who cares if you have to sit a coffee shop for a little while? At least a stranger didn’t have to feel you up while holding onto the pole for dear life.
- Never forget your headphones. If you do, go to the nearest CVS and buy an emergency pair. You have time, you left early and you can’t stand the thought of listening to the whine of subway brakes.
- Be aggressive and make some space for yourself or you’ll be stuck ass to front with 8 people simultaneously, almost as though defying every law of logic. The earlier you left, the less aggressive you have to be.
- Never run to catch a train. That shit’s for the birds. Unless it’s literally the last train of the day, there’s always another one coming.
- Always run to get off the train or you’ll be stuck behind the one person in the city who can’t seem to understand the golden rule of: “Stand to right; walk to the left.” I’m sorry, Nana, but move your ass.
- Fuck the Green Line.
- Don’t get impatient–Everyone is in such a rush to get somewhere, despite the fact that we’re all going to the same place. There’s no point.
- Take deep breaths and don’t have a panic attack when there are too many people around you and you can’t breathe. The ride will end soon.
- Be compassionate and don’t get upset when someone is acting strange. You don’t know everyone’s story.
- If people start making out in your personal space, ask to join in an attempt to make them uncomfortable (please note that this might backfire).
- Have your payment in hand lest you be trampled.
- Go with the flow. You’re going to get where you need to go because you left with time to spare.
As the weeks and months go on, I’m sure I’ll be learning much more. But if you ever come to visit, I’ve got you covered. I’m basically a pro.