- Make a list of all of the things you want to accomplish during the COVID-19 quarantine.
- Get immediately stressed out by the list.
- Throw the list away.
- Compulsively buy a new spring wardrobe on eBay (but make sure to buy the same dress in no fewer than 22 prints).
- As your purchases start to arrive, realize that you will need to buy hangers.
- Become acutely aware of the piss poor way Amazon treats its workers.
- Boycott Amazon.
- Wonder where you will buy hangers.
- Move-in with your boyfriend of three months for the duration of the quarantine.
- Read that book you’ve meant to read for over a year.
- Contemplate bangs.
- Have a Zoom meeting but be unsure of who’s the host.
- To cut down on confusion, ask the other person to host the meeting.
- Try not to be frustrated when the other person doesn’t know how to host a meeting.
- Agree to host the meeting.
- Realize they do not have a Zoom account.
- Call the other person on the phone to walk them through the process of setting up an account and downloading the application.
- Breathe a sigh of relief when you finally see their face.
- Get disconnected because your Wi-Fi sucks.
- Scream into a pillow.
- Create a sourdough starter.
- Kill a sourdough starter.
- Do so much yoga that you overstretch your muscles.
- Take a bath with a homemade bath bomb that stains the bottom of the tub.
- Sit in the bathroom sink, as close to the mirror as you can get, and attempt to be your own eyebrow technician.
- Google: “Eyebrow face skin bleed a lot?”
- Really contemplate bangs.
- Video call a stranger because you are desperate for human connection but secretly hope they don’t flash you their junk.
- Buy a guitar because you’re definitely going to learn how to play it.
- Schedule some time to really settle in with your existential dread.
- Obsess over the news.
- Stop reading the news.
Eat some ice cream. Eat a lot of ice cream. Eat ice cream straight out of the carton.- Create a new Pinterest board on how to DIY your bangs.
- Stop wearing shoes.
- Lose all sense of time.
- Accept the fact that time never mattered in the first place.
- Give yourself bangs.
- Regret your decision immediately.
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