Time’s Arrow

I used to waste a lot of paper in notebooks—like, a lot of paper. Whole book butts were left blank, half a sheet of paper used, chunks ripped out and discarded. In retrospect, it was wasteful, but I also understand that version of myself: the one who desired clean lines and spaces above all because it felt like control. Now, though, I write until the book is full, even when the spine is broken and the cover is stained with coffee. I hate carrying it around when it looks bad, yet I must admit that the books represent a chapter of my life. As I finish one notebook and open another, a new chapter begins.

I started my new job last month but got the official paperwork today. The new job is the old job with double the responsibility. Life, in general, is like that right now. Not only have I started a new job, but I’m also starting a new master’s program and getting married in a couple of weeks.

Let it never be said that I did anything in half measures.

It’s exciting, though, to change. And when you have a solid support system and healthy coping mechanisms, you can do it with not quite ease but something close to it.

Of all these changes, the getting married bit is the one that is both exhilarating and terrifying. We applied for our marriage license last week, which made it real for me. In two weeks, I’m marrying the great love of my life all because I know that life will be much better with him in it than without. In two weeks, we will get married in our backyard and celebrate our love with friends and family. Rain or shine, it’s going to be a great day.

But I’m not too proud to tell you I’m a little scared. Not because I doubt Richie but because I doubt myself and my ability to be the partner he deserves every day. Business? School? All cake walks when compared to the uncertainty of love and the fickleness of feeling. I am not always the best version of myself, and a stressed-out Bailey is very far from the best version. Yet here is this person who’s agreed to love me at every stage of volatility. How could I do anything other than love him? Fear or no, getting married is the right next step. Stressed-out Bailey will figure out to be who he deserves.

After a very long summer of wedding planning, working 60-hour weeks, prepping for school, and transitioning into a new role at work, it’s going to be weird to have some weekends for my relationship. We can’t go on our honeymoon right after the wedding because I start classes on the Tuesday after the ceremony. Still, our Christmas looks like it will be a good one.

As I flow with my school schedule and learn more about healthcare and media, this site’s content might change or disappear entirely (though I hope to maintain the monthly streak I’ve had going since 2017). All things change, and we change with them.

I hope you’re well.

bam